


whatever you do (don’t let me go)

by timetoboldlygo



Category: Friends at the Table (Podcast)
Genre: Transistor AU, spoilers for end of transistor, suicide warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-14
Updated: 2018-04-14
Packaged: 2019-04-22 14:13:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,516
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14310462
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/timetoboldlygo/pseuds/timetoboldlygo
Summary: Cass couldn’t look down at the sword - what they’d already started to think of as Mako, as if his body and bright blue eyes and yellow hair had never existed, like he’d always been a glowing weapon instead of a man.





	whatever you do (don’t let me go)

**Author's Note:**

> this is FINALLY the long talked about transistor au!!!! obviously spoilers for the end of transistor.
> 
> i haven't tagged this w/ major character death because it's kind of ? not death? but there's a major character's dead body in the very beginning.

 

It was a voice that roused Cass. Not the ache in the back of their head, not the cold marble against their skin, but the familiar voice calling their name. The blinked a few times and the dim gold and green hallway came into focus.

“Cass,” it was saying. “Cass, where are you - are you - where are they? I can’t - where am I? We were there, we were - you and me both, we were there, where did they go - fuck!”

Cass tried to call out - their throat was sore like they’d been screaming and they had, hadn’t they, they’d been screaming? - but nothing happened. They pushed themselves to their feet, almost tripping on their long golden robes. They weren’t used to it, this had just been a costume and it was ridiculous. They pulled the heels off.

“Please don’t be gone,” the voice kept saying. “Please, I’m here! I’m still here! Please don’t be gone, please don’t be hurt. I’m stuck - inside? Cass, I’m stuck inside something and there’s - there’s nothing -”

Cass took a few steps around the corner and clapped a hand over their mouth, barely containing the gasp, unable to stop themselves from flinching. They knew that body. Knew the blond hair and the blue skin, even if the slumped pose, the hanging head, the death wasn’t familiar. They _knew_ that voice.

“Hey,” the voice said. Familiar, full of relief. Mako’s voice, even if his body was long gone. The sword plunged into Mako’s body was huge and disgustingly beautiful. Glowing with every word Mako said. “That you?”

 _It’s me_ , Cass tried to say. Nothing. They collapsed to their knees next to his body, put a trembling hand on to Mako’s face but he was long gone. _Please, it’s me_. But they couldn’t turn the words into sound. Cass hesitantly placed a gentle hand on the hilt on the sword, which glowed in response.

“I wish I could feel that,” Mako said wistfully. Cass wished they could feel anything from Mako too. “But at least I’m still here. I think. I wouldn’t one-hundred percent trust my judgement on that, because - because. I’m in a sword. It could be worse, I think. Well. I think I know?”

Cass didn’t know. _I guess we’ll see,_ they said, but the words still didn’t come out. Cass pressed a hand to their throat and gave an experimental hum, which came out fine. Just their words were gone.

“Say something,” Mako said desperately as Cass _tried_. “Cass. Say something.”

Cass shook their head.

“Oh, Cass,” Mako said softly. Cass knew him too well, could tell he was trying not to cry. Didn’t know what the point of pretending not to was, since Cass couldn’t see his face anymore. “I think we really fucked it up this time.” A sigh. “I don’t think we can get out of this one.”

Cass stared anywhere but Mako’s body and choked back a sob.

“It’s fine,” Mako’s voice said. Fake cheer, so obvious to Cass that they didn’t need to see Mako’s face to see the fake grin that would slide on it. “Doesn’t even hurt. At all. Just like - would you get that thing out of my stomach? Would you get _me_ out of my stomach?” He gave a miserable little chuckle.

Cass looked down at the body.

“Take your time,” he said gently. Cass wasn’t sure of the last time Mako had been so careful with his words, like he was worried Cass might break if he cracked a joke. “I know - I know it looks bad.”

 _Bad_? Cass thought bitterly. _You have a sword in your stomach!_

“It’s a really nice sword, though,” Mako said, as if he could hear Cass. “I would know. Because I’m in it, I think. I need to do some decorating though. Just, uh. Yeah just pull.”

Cass took the hilt of the sword in both hands and _pulled_. It slid out of Mako’s stomach far easier than it should have, but at least blood didn’t come. Mako just looked like he was sleeping, except that Mako always slept on his back, arms thrown wide.

“There,” Mako said brightly, the sword glowing. “Together again. Kinda.” He waited a second, like he was waiting for Cass to chime in. “Uh - we need to get out of town.”

Cass nodded slowly. They reached down and carefully ripped the tight gold fabric at the knees, so they could move.

“I see this was all a secret tactic to rip this costume,” Mako said thoughtfully and Cass laughed, abruptly caught off-guard by the sound. So it was just their words, then. “It’s fine, you look really hot with it short like that. You looked way too stuffy before.”

Cass laughed again, patting the sword absent-mindedly.

“That’s show biz, I guess!” Mako said brightly.

The sword was heavy, and warm to the touch. When Cass ran their hand over the hilt, they felt more than understood the name - Transistor. They wondered what that meant. If this mirror-like golden sword was the transistor.  

“Cass? Hey, Cass, take my shoes,” Mako said, interrupting. Cass gave the sword a disapproving glance. “Hey, don’t give me that look! You’re barefoot!”

 _You’re dead_ , Cass wanted to say, but they couldn’t so they just reached down and carefully pulled off Mako’s sneakers. It felt a little bit like cementing his fate, in a way. If they were robbing his body, he sure wasn’t coming back.

“Ready?” Mako said. “I’m going to very nicely not comment on how weird it was to watch you steal my shoes. We can just go. I know a guy who can get us a bike.”

Of course he did. So Cass stood, took one look down at Mako’s body.

“Cass?” Mako said. “It’s going to be morning soon.” He didn’t say _we need to go_ but it was implied and Cass knew.

Cass reached down, carefully, and slid Mako’s jacket off his shoulders. His shirt underneath was an ugly shimmery orange, incredibly Mako, but the jacket was black, a small golden patch on the chest the only thing that made it stand out. At one point it had been Cass’s, but it looked so good on Mako, just a little too big, that it had become his. Cass didn’t even think of it as their own jacket anymore, it was completely Mako’s now.

And now it was theirs again. Cass hated the thought. But if they closed their eyes, they could pretend it was Mako’s arms wrapped around their shoulders. It didn’t really work, but they could try.

 _Okay_ , Cass thought, looking back down at the body one more time. It was a little easy to look at knowing that Mako was still with them, but it still - awful. The more they looked at the body, the harder it become to look away. They just kept noticing all the things that made it a body, as opposed to Mako. The grey skin, the blood on his temple, limp hands. The stillness that made Cass’s skin crawl.

“Let’s go,” Mako said helpfully. “Cass. I’m not - I’m here now, right, not there.”

 _Okay_ , Cass thought again, giving the sword a quick pat. It was all they could do, really, even if Mako couldn’t really feel it. Then they headed for the doorway. They weren’t going to dwell on it when they had Mako right there. It wasn’t good enough, but it was something.

\-----

The transistor was big and heavy and Cass couldn’t carry it properly. They settled for pulling it behind them. It should have made a grating sound against the stone but instead it slid fluidly, slicing through the store with a little shower of sparks.

Cass wondered if it hurt. They stopped when they were a few blocks away from the theater, looking down at the sword and pointed, but how the fuck could they say it.

“I wish we had set up a bunch of handy signals just in case something fucked up like this happened,” Mako said after a few minutes of Cass pointing. “Like what, do you want me to charades this?”

Cass sighed.

“Is it about me?” Cass nodded. “Me me or sword me. Oh, uh, sorry, me me?” Cass shook their head no. “Ok, sword me. Uh - I’m out, Cass, you know I was always really bad at this.”

Cass experimentally dragged the blade across the stone and made an exaggerated pain face, which made Mako laugh, at least.

“I’m not hurt,” Mako said, voice light. “I can’t - I can’t actually feel anything. I should, because I can tell there’s a breeze, but I can’t.”

That made Cass feel worse. They tried to imagine no sensation, not the cool breeze on their hot cheeks or their aching back or the deep breath they took in, expanding their lungs as far as they could.

“I keep making you sad,” Mako said. “Guess it’s, like. Inevitable.” He was quiet for a long unsettling moment. “Let’s just - let’s just keep going.”

If he were here, Cass would have known what to do. They’d never been exceptionally good at comforting words, but things sure had been a lot easier when Mako had a body that Cass could pull close. Comforting kisses dropped into Mako’s hair, soothing circles against his back. The ability to murmur “I’m here,” over and over.

All they do can is hope that Mako could tell that from the look in their eyes.

\-----

The high bridge at night was empty, which was great because Cass couldn’t fathom how they’d explain walking through the populated area with a sword. The breeze was cool and Cass experimentally hummed a few notes. They could manage a smooth hum and they shivered from the pure thrill of being able to _hum_.

There were usually a few street musicians on the high bridge, as well as wandering couples, but now the whole of the bridge was empty, disturbingly so. The only movement Cass could see was their own reflection in the mirror-like ground.

“It’s, uh, weird that it’s this empty, right?” Mako said. His voice echoed a little. “Like - I know it’s late but - still?”

Even at midnight, and yes, they’d been here at midnight several times, because Mako loved to come out here and watch the stars - even then, there were people at the bridge, enough that it was hard to hold a private romantic conversation.

Cass nodded.

“Should never have complained about it being crowded,” Mako said. “Uh, what’s all this white crap?”

Cass propped the sword up and peered closer. This portion of the bridge was just covered in short block columns, like someone had taken an eraser to the bridge. Tapped it experimentally. It looked like unrefined mesh and they held the sword close so that Mako could see too.

“Mesh?” Mako said, echoing. He’d always been so interested in the mesh, that’s why he wanted a job with the city, so that he could mess around with it all day. He had a way with it - could always get the walls in Cass’s apartment to change colors, could always coax certain doors into opening. “Yeah, it totally looks like unprocessed mesh. Like they were trying to redo the bridge. Lemme touch it.”

Cass raised an eyebrow.

“Come on,” Mako whined. “I totally have an idea. Blade to glass, okay?”

Cass put the blade directly against one of the white blocks, which simply melted away.

Cass glared at the blade and Mako inside.

“I meant to do that!” Mako said, and he sounded so excited that it had to be genuine. “Fucking - neat!”

Cass snorted and held the blade to another block and let Mako melt that one was well. After a few, though, Mako accidentally exploded one and threw Cass back a few feet.

“You okay?” Mako said, voice completely panicked. Cass groaned from where they’d been thrown and crawled over to the blade. “Sorry - I - Sorry.”

Cass groaned again but patted the blade twice, so that Mako would know they were okay. It wasn’t easy like this. When they’d been thrown, they’d half-expected to open their eyes and see Mako’s face hovering there, his hands cradling their head. That’s how it should have been.

“I won’t do that again.”

Cass shook their head. _It’s okay_ , they mouthed slowly. Carefully, they rested their head against the flat blade of the sword. It was cold. Mako was never cold.

They couldn’t say how long they sat there in the silence - probably much longer than the real Mako - no, no, that wasn’t right. Longer than Mako’s body would have wanted to sit still and quiet.

Eventually, though, Mako had to break the silence. “Something’s coming.”

Cass frowned down at the sword - _how do you know that_ \- but then cast their gaze around, getting to their feet. They could see, actually, some wavering blue forms making their way towards them. It looked like they’d been woven out of the mesh.

“Don’t die,” Mako said helpfully, sword glowing with his words just before Cass slammed it into the chest of one of those creatures. It spat angry golden sparks that melted the mesh-creatures but did nothing when it hit Cass’s skin. “Oh man, do you know how lucky it is that I don’t get motion sick?”

He kept talking the entire damn time, as Cass was trying to avoid _dying_ and maybe it was a coping mechanism but Cass just wanted to scream, at him, at the stupid creatures, at their aching arms. At one point Mako said, “I’m going to explode it,” and when Cass had passed the blade through one of the mesh, it had done just that, and Cass felt a little thrill of victory, of them working together in tandem. Even if Mako didn’t have their back outside the transistor, he still had their back.

When the last one disintegrated, leaving behind a momentary silvery echo, Cass rested their head on the transistor and realized Mako had been silent for too long.

This was their city and now it was full of this - whatever the hell they were. The mesh come alive. Fighting. And the city is empty, too, the streets completely devoid and Cass didn’t know it that meant, didn’t know if it meant that everyone was dead or if they were just hiding, but either way, they were alone besides Mako and he wasn’t fucking _speaking_.

They needed to hear his voice. They knocked gently on the glass, then tapped their ears. It’d would be easier to get this across if they could look Mako in the eyes, but the sword was just smooth and almost-mirror-like.

“You want me to keep talking?” Mako asked, clearly startled. He’d once confided to Cass that he was always worried that people just wanted him to shut up, all the time. It was a little bit of this memory that made Cass nod but truthfully - Cass didn’t want to feel alone. If they couldn’t have Mako’s arm around their waist or the way he smiled when he knew what Cass was thinking, then they needed his voice.

Anything.

“Okay,” Mako said. “Sure. I can do that. Totally. What the fuck were those things? They were like the mesh, right? Like tangible mesh?”

Cass nodded.

“Fucked up if true,” Mako said and Cass let out an exasperated sigh that didn’t really hide the fond smile on their face. Mako laughed. “Okay. Not sorry, but sorry. I’ll be serious.” He took a moment to think. “Maybe you should keep walking while I think? Take a right on Willow, there’s a shop up on the bridge.”

Cass squinted up at the street signs and continued walking.

“Hey - hey, wait, what’s that?”

Now that he pointed it out, Cass _could_ see something red glowing, just a little bit. They cast a doubtful glance down at Mako.

“She’s calling to me,” Mako said in return. “Get closer?”

Fine. Cass veered left, towards the red glow.

It turned out to be the glowing body of a woman. Maybe once it had a been a real body, but her whole form was red and shining, just like the mesh.

“That’s Jillian Red,” Mako said, but he didn’t offer up how he knew that. Cass barely knew Jillian Red - they thought she was a business woman who ran a security company, but they couldn’t be sure. “I think the mesh-stuff must have got her.”

Cass knelt down beside her body and barely stifled a gasp when the stupid transistor pulled in all the red. Cass reached out to touch it but their hand just passed right through as it settled into the blade.

Mako didn’t say anything for a minute and Cass knocked on the blade once, twice, then three times, more and more frantically.

“I’m here!” Mako said with the voice of a man who had just come up for air after a long time underwater. “Sorry. Sorry. I’m sorry.”

Cass smoothed a hand down the blade. _It’s fine_ , they wanted to say, even though it wasn’t fine and they’d honestly felt their heart stop for a second when Mako didn’t respond.

“It _is_ Jillian,” Mako said eventually. “Or was. I don’t know. I think the mesh got her.”

Cass waited, but he didn’t clarify. Knock, knock.

“Sorry. I just - I don’t know,” Mako said softly. “I don’t know where she went, but I know she’s in here. But not all of her. Just like a lil bit. A trace.” He waited again. “She keeps saying she was corrupted.”

Cass frowned.

“I don’t know what she means,” Mako said in response. “I don’t know. Guess she’s coming along though. She wants to help. No, I don’t know how.”

Cass sighed and looked up at the sky. The stars were gone, they noticed dimly. They wondered if Mako could see that. Who knew how far his vision went? And Cass couldn’t ask.

“I think we’re going to find a lot of this,” Mako said quietly.

Cass nodded. They’d already thought the same. Whatever had attacked them was running through the whole town.

They couldn’t have that.

“Ok,” Mako said. “We really need to get lost. Come on. Take the elevator down.”

The little shop Mako directed Cass to was open, technically, but there was no one in it. “Just take one,” Mako said. “We aren’t coming back here and he’s not here anyways and we need a bike.”

Cass wrinkled their nose.

“Cass!” Mako said. “Choose a bike! We have to get out of here!”

Technically, that was true. Cass selected a quick speeder, not too heavy, and the shop transported it to the street for them. They wished briefly as they straddled it, carefully strapping the transistor to their back, that they were wearing heavy leggings.

“Take the on-ramp,” Mako said with a gusty sigh. It sounded like he was getting comfortable, but Cass wasn’t sure if he still had a body inside there or not and they didn’t have a way to ask. “If you take I-50, we can be out of here just like that.”

Cass didn’t take I-50.

“Cass,” Mako said tiredly, when Cass decidedly veered back towards the heart of the city. He should have known this would happen all along, but Cass couldn’t leave the city like that. Couldn’t leave all those people to be devoured like that. “What happened to the skipping town plan?”

Cass couldn’t look down at the sword - what they’d already started to think of as Mako, as if his body and bright blue eyes and yellow hair had never existed, like he’d always been a glowing weapon. They hoped Mako would know what was going through their head.

Mako gave a sigh. “Yeah, okay,” he said. Cass could imagine him running a frustrated hand through his hair so that it stuck up. “Should have known better. Can’t blame a guy for trying though.”

He was silent a long moment. “This is going to be tough,” he said eventually. “I mean - I know you know, but the mesh isn’t - we don’t even know what’s doing this and you want to save the city? You could die. Be like, really dead.” He let out a brittle laugh. “You know all this.”

Cass chanced a glance down briefly. They wondered what Mako saw.

“Look,” Mako said eventually. “I’m with you. Always. Just, hey, uh. Don’t let me go?”

Cass nodded a few times. Wished they could have Mako’s arms wrapped around their chest, his head against Cass’s bike. They’d have felt better like that.

\-----

When they finally parked - almost crashed - the bike, Cass was tired and the city was turning all white, covered in undone mesh.

“I wanna touch it so bad,” Mako said longingly. “With my real fingers.”

Cass let out a little laugh at that, but it quickly died in their throat. There was a poster of them on the wall, advertising their concert. Stupidly, Cass thought that all the people with tickets would probably want a refund now.

“They took your voice,” Mako said sorrowfully and Cass had known it but it still hurt more intimately than they’d expected to hear the words out loud. It felt real.

“Cass, I’m so sorry. I couldn’t - I didn’t - I don’t know.” He sighed. “We took something from them too,” he offered up for a final consolation. He knew Cass too well. “Just - just turn around.”

Cass didn’t. They reached out a shaking hand to touch the mural on the wall. This was the them from just a few days ago. Beautiful golden robes, half-lidded, smoky eyes, dark lipstick. Now they were beat up and messy and ripped and bruised.

They hadn’t liked that first them much. This one felt more real. Cass couldn’t tell what it was.

“Cass, please just turn around,” Mako said.

Finally, Cass did.

\-----

Mako kept up constant chatter as Cass walked through the city. Constant as even as Cass fought more of the mesh, arms aching. It almost felt like Mako was at their back, fighting with them, and Cass felt strong and _right_ , like this is what they were meant to be doing.

On the bridge, a little more than a third of the way downtown, Cass stopped and pointed. Mako presumably followed their hand.

“It’s - the buildings aren’t there,” Mako said, stunned. “It’s spreading. I thought it just wanted you, but I think it wants everyone.”

Cass gave the sword a look and Mako laughed. “Okay, yes, you were right,” he said. “We should stay. But we still don’t know what’s going on, right? We haven’t even _seen_ anyone.”

That’s true. They’ve seen a few echoes of people, misty forms that coalesce on the sword and send Mako to silence for a few minutes and scare Cass half to death, because what if this time, they were going to end up alone?

But Mako always came back, talking about new things the stupid sword could do, like he hadn’t just _left_ Cass for a few minutes.

But it was true. They hadn’t seen anyone.

Cass veered away from the edge of the bridge and to a news terminal. It clicked on, startlingly blue against the dark night.

They had covered up the news about the attack at the concert, but there _was_ news about the mesh.

“-warning all citizens to stay inside and call the Factions number if the mesh starts to appear in their homes,” the newscaster was saying. “Superintendent Twelfth is confident this will all be solved shortly.”

“Oh sure, that’s not suspicious,” Mako said crossly.

There was a comment box. Cass carefully typed out: _The Faction does control the mesh for the city. Do you think they lost control of the mesh?_

They only knew a little bit about the Faction. A government branch, for all intents and purposes, but it was closer to an elite group that the government hired out to make sure the city ran smoothly.

“Maybe,” Mako said. “It kind of was like it was thinking on its own, though, and the mesh isn’t supposed to do that. Even if it got out of hand, it shouldn’t have like - a hivemind or something.”

Cass typed more. _You know more about the mesh than I do_. Then winced, because without Mako being able to hear it, would he know how fond it was supposed to sound?

Mako did, though. “Yeah, it’s my second love,” he said nonsensically. “You’re the first, of course.” He waited a second, then crowed, “Oh, you’re _blushing_!”

Cass put a hand to their face, which did feel hot. They were blushing a little bit, but also a little bit of the flush was anger. They’d never told Mako they’d loved him and now they couldn’t say it. That had been _stolen_ from them.

Mako hadn’t noticed, though. He was still talking, trying to figure this out. “I think Maryland September retired to the country recently,” he said thoughtfully. “They tried to keep it quiet.”

Cass stared down at the sword, willing him to get to the point.

“I’m just saying it’s _suspicious_ ,” Mako said. “She wasn’t really old. And she always went on and on about loving her work. The lady in charge of controlling the city-mesh disappears and it gets all fucked?”

It’s the best theory they had, really. So they agreed that Cass should make their way downtown, to the Faction office. Cass stood at the terminal a long time, talking. They were remarkably reluctant to leave the only form of communication they had with Mako, even if Mako had proven to be eerily good at knowing what Cass meant.

Mako very politely didn’t comment on it.

\-----

It seems silly to be upset over how beautiful the city was once, now that it’s all faded into boneless white cybermesh. But Cass mourned it. It was a city that Mako had been brand new in once, and Cass had had to show him around. Shown him their favorite bookstore, and the place where they loved to buy squid ink pasta.

It’s all ending. Even whatever they have now with Mako won’t be able to last, and they know that, can feel it like an ache in their chest. Mako must know it too, but he wouldn’t say it. It wasn’t his style.

“Incoming,” Mako murmured, startling Cass out of their thoughts. They hadn’t quite figured out who Mako _knew_ that, and they resolved to ask the next time they were at a news terminal.

They _like_ the fighting, though. And they’d be alarmed, really, because they didn’t fight a lot before this, but even as their arms ache it feels familiar and right.

“My apartment’s near here,” Mako said randomly when Cass was done, the last mesh shimmering into nothingness. Cass leaned on the sword, catching their breath. “You should get some sleep.”

Cass scoffed.

“Cass, come on,” Mako said. “It’s late! It’s easily midnight. You can’t go all night, and you need to eat something. And you can get some clothes, if you want.”

Cass shook their head.

“I won’t talk to you until you do,” Mako said, and Cass could imagine him crossing his arms and glaring. “You can’t save the city running on empty.”

Cass ignored him, straightening up and dragging the sword alongside.

Mako stayed quiet though. He was so goddamn stubborn. Cass could hear how quiet the city was - the soft plinking of the rain that had started, the quiet hum of neon signs. The missing hum of people.

With a huff, Cass took a left on the next street, which would take them directly to Mako’s apartment. They expected Mako to tease them or joke, but instead he said, “Thank you,” with such gratitude that Cass could feel themself blush again. Mako didn’t say things like that.

They were just grateful it was dark and Mako couldn’t see their red face.

“I can open the door, probably,” Mako said, perfectly content to keep talking now that Cass had done what Mako wanted them to. “If not, you can break in through the bathroom window - stop looking at me like that, I’m not gonna pretend I’ve never had to do it - you can get to it really easily because of the fence and the dumpster - ”

Mako’s apartment was on the third floor of a bright blue building, but Cass almost walked by it, on account of its fading to pale green. A lot of the block had, actually.

“I don’t really like green,” Mako said disdainfully, as the blade glowed and slowly unlocked the front door. “It’s pukey. Puke green. Do you think it’s because the Faction haven’t been able to keep up the voting system?”

Cass shrugged as they carefully pulled Mako - no, it wasn’t Mako, it was a sword that Mako was _in_ \- up the stairs. No fucking elevator.

“I bet it is,” Mako said. “Next time we come to a terminal, let’s check what polls there are. The weather should have changed by now, right? Maybe the Faction can’t do that with the mesh being all like this?” He scoffed. “I wouldn’t have moved into this place if I knew its true self was puke green.”

Cass snorted as they shoved open Mako’s door. The apartment was small and familiar enough - at least, Cass had been here a few times. Mostly they’d come over when Mako had too much work that he had to bring home with him and barely had time to go on dates. And Cass would show up with takeout and coax him into taking a break. Sometimes, Cass was too tired to go home after and contented themselves with curling up in Mako’s bed, watching Mako’s back as he worked at his desk.

They’d call out to him, and he’d turn and look. “Take a break,” Cass would say and Mako would give them a soft smile, one they rarely got to see, one that said something like _god I’m so in love with you_. “Don’t make me come over there.”

It worked half the time. Sometimes, Cass would wake up hours later to find Mako still working, shoulders tense.

Usually, they spent the time at Cass’s apartment, which was nicer and bigger. Mako’s was a small studio, not decorated so luridly as one might expect. Cleaner than one might expect, too. Not that Mako cooked a lot, so dirty dishes really couldn’t be left out.

“There should be pizza in the fridge,” Mako said and Cass was aware of how tired he sounded. “Have as much as you want. I don’t think I get hungry. Or, like, I don’t think I can eat, so I really hope I don’t get hungry.”

Cass carefully rested the sword against the table and opened up the fridge. There was pizza in there, with pineapples on it, which was really disgusting. Cass shot Mako a look as they started to pick off the pineapple.

“I know,” Mako said cheerfully. “It’s a wonder you’re still with a guy who likes pineapples on pizza.”

Cass scoffed.

“There’s probably a paper and pen on my desk,” Mako said.

Cass shoved a few slices of pizza into the microwave and rooted around in the desk for a while. Mako’s desk was an absolute mess, unlike the rest of his apartment, possibly because it was incredibly full and his apartment wasn’t really. Eventually, though, Cass found a notepad and Mako’s favorite green pen.

“Are you gonna write me a love note,” Mako said as Cass started to write. Cass imagined Mako craning his neck trying to read Cass’s handwriting over their shoulder.

_How do you know when they’re coming?_

Mako made a noise in the back of his throat. “That’s so not a love note,” he complained. “It’s like a buzzing? In the back of my brain?”

_Is that - okay?_

“Let’s not talk about that,” Mako suggested, voice deceptively light. “It’s fine for now.”

 _Okay_ , Cass said, eating a piece of pizza. It tasted just a little pineapple-y and it also tasted like it had been in the fridge for far longer than it should have. _What’s it like in there_?

“Why can’t you ever start with something easy,” Mako said. “It’s - ” he sighed. “It’s beautiful here, I guess. It’s - light? Like in a way that it was never was in Counterweight. It’s got sunlight. I woke up and I was in this shack, I guess?” He snorted. “I don’t know. But this is nice.”

 _Tell me more_.

“I dunno what you want,” Mako said. “It’s sunny. I can see you, like I’m just standing next to you. LIke, uh, like I’m there, but I can’t touch you. I’m just in this field of flowers and I can see other buildings, like other shacks, but I can’t touch you. It’s like you’re a ghost.”

 _I’m here_ , Cass wrote immediately, pen nib tearing through the paper.

Mako laughed. “I know,” he said. “I’m the one who’s not there.” He made a frustrated noise. “I don’t know. I haven’t - I feel like I’m not really here. It’s beautiful, but I’m still connected to you, you know? Like maybe this place isn’t even empty, because Jillian had to go somewhere, right, she _had_ to, but I don’t know where she is and I don’t know that I could even find her because I’m just _here_!” His voice rang with anger. Cass could picture him, shoulders tight, fists clenched.  “Forever, I guess.”

 _We’ll figure it out_. Cass knew as they wrote it that probably, they wouldn’t. They wouldn’t figure a way out of it this time. They knew and Mako knew it and they’d have to admit it sooner or later.

“It’s okay,” Mako said softly, so that Cass had to strain to hear him. “It could be worse, right? At least this way, you’re not alone.”

Cass wanted to hold him so goddamn badly.

“It’s cool,” Mako said. Again, his voice was light, like he didn’t have a care in the world. “You should - you should sleep. Tomorrow we can talk about a plan.”

They already had a plan. But Mako clearly didn’t want to talk more, which was always a sign that he was truly upset.

Cass hesitated though. _What if they attack while I’m asleep?_

 “I’ll wake you up. I’ll scream really loud if something’s coming. I’ll fuck around with the interior mesh and turn the lights on. I won’t let them sneak up on you.”

Cass put the pen down. Nodded. Then they pulled the sword with them to Mako’s unmade bed and propped it up against the wall, close enough that they could run their fingers over it. They kicked off their shoes.

The lights turned off on their own accord. The transistor glowed a faint blue. Cass fell asleep alone.

\-----

They woke to Mako softly saying their name. Cass reached over to their left, the side of the bed Mako liked to sleep on, and for a second panic set in, when they found it empty, before they remembered.

Mako very nicely didn’t comment on that.

“Hey, Cass,” he said quietly. The sword pulsed blue. “It’s morning.”

Cass nodded. It was early, to be sure, but they felt much better and well-rested, even if now they mostly just could focus on how bad everything was.

“Eat breakfast,” Mako suggested. “I got some cereal! It’s pink.”

It _was_ bright pink and it turned the milk bright pink and it was so sugary it made Cass’s teeth hurt. But it filled them up and it was Mako’s and if someone didn’t drink the milk it would go bad.

Cass hated it. Hated being here in Mako’s apartment, eating Mako’s stupid cereal, without Mako laughing at them and smiling and pressing kisses to the underside of Cass’s jaw while they cooked.

“You can borrow my clothes,” Mako said helpfully after a too-empty breakfast..

Cass wrinkled their nose. Nothing would get them to borrow Mako’s clothes. They were content with the ripped golden dress and the jacket and - oh, there. Cass quickly pulled on a pair of their own black pants. And clean socks.

“It would be really hot to see you in my clothes,” Mako said longingly. Cass snorted, but they understood. They liked to see Mako in their own clothes, just a little too big and slipping off his his shoulders, revealing tantalizing pale skin.

 _We’re going to find the Faction_ , Cass wrote on the paper. _Make them tell us everything_.

“Great plan, love it,” Mako said. “Their office is downtown. Shouldn’t take us more than twenty minutes to walk there, so like an hour considering how fucked up the city is, right?”

Cass nodded.

“Okay, well, let’s go get this over with,” Mako said.

It should have been easy enough.

\-----

The sword was heavy and Mako was quieter than usual as they walked through the city. Cass figured that maybe he’d talked himself out, but the second they stepped on the bridge that would take them downtown, only a few minutes away from the Factions office, Mako said, “I don’t feel good, Cass.”

Cass looked at the sword, then rooted around in their pocket for the paper they’d brought. Mako kept talking, though.

“I feel really fuzzy,” he said. His voice was a little patchy. “Just - I’m feeling like I’m disconnected. Keep going. I’ll keep you updated.”

At the end of the bridge, Mako said, “I feel like super shitty,” and he sounded it. His voice was even more disconnected, like there was bad service. Cass took a few experimental steps backwards, and when Mako spoke again, he was clearer. “It’s okay,” he said. “It doesn’t hurt, just - I don’t know. I feel fuzzy. You gotta - keep - keep going.”

Cass tilted their head. _You sure_?

“Yeah,” Mako said. “I mean, worse comes to worse, the worst is that I’m stuck here, and we can fix that, so, uh, you gotta fix the city? It’s - the point.”

Cass nodded and ran their fingers carefully down the edge of the sword, pretending like they were running a hand down Mako’s arm. Mako knew the risk. So did Cass.

So Cass went, and Mako’s voice got progressively patchier and more disconnected, until all his words were static.

Cass took a second outside the Faction office. Mako had been silent for a while now, not even static coming through, but Cass took a moment to press their lips to the blade anyways. Maybe Mako could still feel it.

The lobby was empty. Cass took the elevator up to the top floors.

Immediately, they could tell from the flickering lights and the absolute silent chaos that something was wrong. The offices were like a battlefield - overturned desks and completely trashed terminals and out of the corner of their eye, Cass could see a unmoving figure sprawled across the marble floor.

Cass looked away.

The windows were all shattered, which Cass hadn’t realized at first because something was outside, blocking the view.

Cass stared at it. It was a mesh-creature, they thought, but they couldn’t be certain. It looked as if Voice had detached itself from its building, as if the statue that watched over the city had turned into writhing, real limbs and screaming noises, and tried to crawl inside but couldn’t quite make it.

It _screamed_.

“It won’t shut up,” someone said from behind Cass, and they whirled around only to find Maryland September.

She glowed a faint purple. Sure as hell was the only trace who’d said anything. “Hello,” she said. “You’re that singer.” She took a step closer. Cass took one back. She looked confused for just a second. “Ah, yes, Cassander.”

Cass has never been called Cassander in their life. They’ve always been Cass, nothing else.

Maryland sighed. “The city is _gone_ , even with that.” She pointed at the transistor. “You don’t even know what it is, do you.”

It wasn’t a question. But Cass didn’t know.

She scoffed. “No, of course not. That’s the key to Cloudbank. That’s what Rigour wants.”

Cass shook their head.

“Rigour,” she repeated. “The mesh-program that made all this.” She waved a hand. “Originally it was under control. Obviously not now. And it’s taken control of _that_.” She pointed at the screaming thing outside the window, who apparently hadn’t noticed them yet. “It’s infected everything. I can’t even imagine what it’s like in the real world.” She sighed. “I’ve had better experiments.”

Cass growled. This wasn’t research, it was people’s lives.

Maryland rolled her eyes. “You can do what you like,” she said. “But kill that divine for me, would you?” She reached out and touched the damn sword, letting it draw her in.

Cass looked over at the creature. The divine.

They’d never fought anything without Mako. But Mako wasn’t saying anything and Cass didn’t know if he was there, but the divine Voice was still screaming.

Cass stabbed it.

Their saving grace was that the divine couldn’t get inside. Oh, it could try, reach in with its long spidery limbs and swipe, but it fumbled like a newborn.

Cass did too. They took swipes at its limbs and let the transistor glow and hiss and spit, but  Mako’s signature energy came through rarely. They were still alone and stumbling, a human and a divine slowly just wearing each other down, seeing who would drop first.

It seemed like ages before the thing stopped screaming. When it stopped, Cass’s ears rang. Their arms were screaming and their lungs were burning and they were covered all over with cuts and scrapes and there was a gash on their shoulder that would probably need stitches, and when the divine fell, all Cass could think was _how_.

When the divine fell, brightness blinded Cass momentarily, as the setting sun finally made it through the windows. They could hear it fall, could feel the thud it made when it finally hit the ground. Could hear the complete and utter silence until -

“Hey,” Mako said, and it was the most beautiful thing Cass had ever heard. “What’s going on?”

Cass rested their forehead on the transistor, shaking. _It’s okay_ , they mouthed.

“We’re okay?” Mako said. “You did it? Whatever it was?”

Cass nodded. They were crying.

“You did it,” Mako said. “Cass, you did it!” He let out a loud whoop that brought a smile to Cass’s face. “Cass, you saved the city!”

The city, maybe. But how many of its people. Cass dragged themselves to their feet, leaving the transistor lying on the floor, to check the terminal attached to the wall. There was a little counter at the top of the screen, which usually counted the citizens. It read **ONE**.

Cass had expected it, but they hadn’t expected the confirmation to hurt so much, to tear at their chest and leave them breathless. They were the only one.

They’d never be able to find all the research notes Maryland had left. They could find a few pages in her desk drawer, and a few scattered around the office, but it wasn’t enough to know everything. Just enough to form a fragmented picture.

Enough to know that the transistor could return the city to normal. It had the power to harness the mesh and with Mako at its helm, he could probably build something truly beautiful.

Cass figured it was only a matter of time before whatever process they put in place to control it became another Rigour: greedy, sentient, wanting more than just taking the Faction’s orders. Eventually, it would want to run the city. It would control the mesh, create divines, influence the mind of the Faction until they couldn’t tell what was right anymore. It would try to steal the transistor.

What was the point? To stay, alone, in a city that they’d created and constantly had to fight?

No.

“Now what?” Mako asked, when Cass pulled the sword carefully into the elevator. “Gonna fix this city? It’s looking kind of bland. Could be pinker.”

Cass shrugged.

“Oh, it’s top secret,” Mako mocked, but at least he was laughing again.

The divine was gone from the street when Cass left the building. Gone, like it had never existed. It was only Mesh, after all, and now the street was completely empty, silent. Peaceful, almost.

It made it much easier to do what they were about to do.

“Where are we _going_ ,” Mako said insistently, as Cass eyed the streets. Now that everything was empty, they could probably fix one of the transports. They could be at the theater in fifteen minutes. Ten, probably, on account of it not being rush hour, on account of there being no people.

It took Mako’s help to get the transports up and running. Cass couldn’t understand the mesh and frankly, at this point, never wanted to touch one ever again, but after a few minutes, the car rumbled to life.

“Field trip,” Mako said when the doors slid open. “Wow, whole car to ourselves.”

Cass wished now that they’d asked what, _exactly_ , Mako could see. They didn’t want him to see the ruined city like they could, high up in one of the transports. Bleached white, covered in rubble, completely lifeless. Ruined.

Mako kept chatting on and Cass wasn’t listening, but they were just grateful he couldn’t appear to see down to the streets.

It was bleak.

It was just dusk when Cass stepped off the transport in front of the theater. It rose up, impressive golds and reds shining in the last of the sunlight.

“Cass, what are we doing here,” Mako said tiredly as Cass pushed open the theater door. There was a poster of them standing in the lobby. The old them. “You gonna bury me? I’m not really dead. And lots of people are. And - ” he sighed. “I dunno, I don’t want to see myself.”

Cass ignored him, just walked down the aisles, surrounded by empty velvet seats. They paused for a second, on the stage, but they didn’t particularly feel sad about it. They should have felt sadder, knowing they’d never sing again, but they were tired. And lonely.

And Mako’s body was backstage.

Cass pulled Mako there.

“Cass, don’t make me look,” Mako said as they took steps closer. They could see Mako’s bare feet around the corner. “ _Cass_.”

And there he was. Slouched over, cold, lifeless, the man Cass loved.

“I look like shit,” Mako commented, then, “What are you _doing_?”

Because Cass was sitting down, next to the body. It should have been absolutely disgusting. Instead, it felt a little peaceful.

“Is this necrophilia?”

Cass heaved the transistor up, and then Mako realized. “What the _fuck_ are you doing, Cass?” He shouted. “You can clean up the city! We’re just both going to be trapped! You can - you can save everyone!”

 _There’s no one_ , Cass thought. _No one to save but me_. _Better to be together in there than apart and alone out here_.

“Cass, _don’t_ ,” Mako said desperately, but Cass flicked their wrist and the sword dove towards their chest.

It shattered when it hit their breastbone.

Cass woke up.

\-----

People were saying a lot of things to them about some sort of virtual experiment and how it had gone wrong and they’d been pulling people out and they were unharmed and very lucky, because a lot of people were comatose, but what really mattered was this: Mako wasn’t in the room.

Maybe he wasn’t in any room - maybe he was completely made by the mesh and was never a person to begin with, but Cass couldn’t think like that. Because if they started to think about it - how Mako had been trapped in the transistor - it became too likely that Mako wasn’t real or Mako had gotten _stuck_ and now Cass would be left with just their body and nothing else, _again_.

Cass carefully pulled the IV from their forearm - _You can’t do that!_ \- one of the nurses said, but Cass was a _doctor_ \- how could they have forgotten that, how could they have forgotten that in this world, they were a doctor, not a fucking singer - and they could do whatever they damn well pleased.

Their legs were shaky but they were _leaving_ and they wouldn’t explain it to the damn nurses, because - because wherever Mako was, he needed to hear Cass’s first words.

It was beautiful outside. A field of flowers. A light breeze. Several buildings to Cass’s left, but to their right, a blonde man in an ugly jacket. The line of his back just all too familiar.

Cass wondered how long he’d been standing there. The whole time? Who even knew how long they’d been in that other world? Had he been standing here for days, or hours, or just a few minutes?

But it was Mako and Cass knew it was Mako and Mako turned and -

“Hi,” Cass said.

“Your voice is back,” Mako said, then, eyes round, “You’re _here_.” He looked young. Young like when Cass had first met him, years ago, but it hadn’t been years, had it? It had been no time at all.

“I’m here,” Cass agreed. They couldn’t stop smiling.

Mako threw his arms around Cass - familiar, so thankfully familiar. “You scared the shit out of me,” he whispered into Cass’s chest. “Remind me to be mad at you later, okay, I’m gonna be so mad.”

Cass pressed a kiss to the top of Mako’s head. Resolved to kiss Mako a hundred times a day to make up for those days where they couldn’t do anything more than press their lips to cold glass. “Yeah.”

“You must have been what kept me there,” Mako said, dazed. “Because I didn’t wake up really. I was standing here this whole time, in the real world, and I couldn’t see any of it, because I was with you.”

“I’m sorry,” Cass said.

“No!” Mako said. “I’m glad I was with you. You would have been lonely without me.”

Mako always said the most important things like he was joking. Cass usually let him, because it was easier, but - “I wouldn’t have made it without you,” Cass said, completely sincere. “The silence - I’d have given up.”

“No you wouldn’t have.”

“Yes I would,” Cass said, pulling back. “Mako.”

“Cass.”

Cass leaned down and kissed Mako, relishing every bit of it - Mako’s chapped lips, the small gasp he made, the way his hands came up almost automatically to Cass’s jaw, to pull them in closer. Familiar, familiar, _familiar_. “Thank you,” Cass said against Mako’s lips. “Thank you.”

“We have so much time now,” Mako said, though he seemed unwilling to let Cass go.

“We can do anything,” Cass agreed, then, because they’d promised to themselves if they’d ever got their voice back, they’d say everything they’d ever wanted to say to Mako. That they wouldn't hold back. “Together.”

Mako gave a little laugh. “I love you, Cass,” he said.

It was easy for Cass to say, “Yeah. I love you too,” back this time. It was bliss to see Mako’s smile, shock and love and peace in one blinding grin. It would be easy to say it again and again.

**Author's Note:**

> turns out things r gay n happy! 
> 
> hmu On Twitter @surrealisttrees !!!


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